so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize