My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
