Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
