The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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