I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
