he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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