This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
