I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
