I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just blew my weed a kiss
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize