The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
