I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
