I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
