I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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