I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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