he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
