Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
