So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
