I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
