I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
