Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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