I hope mine doesn't look like that
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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