I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
