I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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