I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
True strength comes from lack of pants
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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