im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
