More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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