turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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