i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
