someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
