I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
