I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
