dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
