and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
