So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
