shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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