I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
