I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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