And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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