i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
handjob tips. give me some.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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