no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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