While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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