I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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