Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
