Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
