my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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