Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize