Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize