I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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