You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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