I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
