The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
