omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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