8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
