My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
