My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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