Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
