You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
