I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
