your thong is hanging out like whoa
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
