How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
