Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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